Still Rising

I heard another of my favorite musicians this morning while driving south on HWY 169 to take my daughter to her summer babysitting gig.  Having recently begun listening to an awesome audio book I wondered whether I should pop that in or continue listening to the radio.  Just as I was about to switch over to Trevor Noah's Born a Crime, Jason Gray's I Will Rise Again came on KTIS.  With my nearly eleven year old listening to her own beats in the back seat of our mini van, I belted Gray's healing words.  I can't even recount how many times over the past six months this song met me in my darkest places, when I needed it most.  It found me on the countless solitary walks I took on the trail beyond my front stoop.  It spoke to me as I ached to hear God's voice, to see His face, and understand how He might be working in my soul. 

I don't know what this day or the next might bring, but I am fully at peace now with an awakened soul.  While attending a retreat with Julie Loomis entitled Rejuvinate and Redesign, I was introduced to Mark Nepo's The Book of Awakening.  This day book is AMAZING!  August 20th's entry, Holding in the Belly reminded me of an answered prayer for which I'd forgotten to thank God.  Nepo calls the reader to "Still yourself and see if there is a strain between your doing and your being, a strain from tending something in your life while on the move.  If so, stop and face what is in your belly.  Make what you need to tend where you are going."  In not so many eloquent words, I prayed for the ability to do this.  I prayed for God to give me the courage to stay where I was, to stand still instead of running to the next "doing" that might lift me up, that might make me rise. 

As I wrapped up my thirteenth year teaching, colleagues told me I was courageous to be taking a personal leave for the upcoming school year.  At the time, I thanked them for their encouragement, but I didn't believe them.  I felt defeated and completely lost.  I could not see how I would rise again.  I feared my best days had already come and gone.  Now I can confidently proclaim that those were lies.  For now I am filled with such immense hope that I cannot help but begin to tell my story.

The Desert as a Gift

 

In March, my family and I spent a day trekking around Joshua Tree National Park.  I marveled at the stark beauty of the desert landscape and contemplated my own internal desert, the one of fear and uncertainty that I'd been struggling to navigate since February.  I had pretty rapidly been falling into a state of depression mixed with anxiety that I just couldn't shake.  The physical desert of California showed off a glimpse of the beauty that spending time in the desert could produce, the gifts the desert could offer.

It would be three and a half long months until I emerged from the rough and barren land my mind and soul had wandered into; but I found both small and grandiose signs that day that I would walk in verdant fields again. 

I was reminded of the gift of the desert this morning while mowing the healthy and hearty soil upon which I now tread.  Listening to JJ Heller, one of my favorite Christian artists, I was able to see how far I've come and how beautiful the journey has been.  The fear and uncertainty that tried to swallow me has been replaced with excitement at all the possibilities yet to come.

Click the link below if you'd like to hear the song.

    

God is Still Here by JJ Heller

Perspective

Two photographs taken earlier this evening, one within seconds of the other, while standing on the same spot. The difference is in point of view.  Pivoting, I face a different direction.  Glancing upward, my perspective changes as overhead light breaks through.

Seeking the Clearing

I am a winter light seeker
I look to where it hides
between the clouds and just above the boughs
I sense it in the air as I walk out on my front step
a brisk kiss that calls me to awake

And so, I start off
searching swirls of snow on an ice-capped pond
Gleaning barren branches for just a glimpse
of what I know is there

I ask the wind, "Tell me, what do you hear of the sun?"
Only her hollow hymn resounds
I remember
winters upon winters seeking that same sun
lying dormant on the open prairie of my youth

All is grey
lacking in sharpness and crisp certainty
and yet, there is a a clearing
my seeking soul is sure
and when the clouds part, there will be
wisdom to discern and clarity to see
It is there my will to trod uncertain trails will be restored

And so, I'll continue my wanderings and take small delight
in stumbling upon deer beds on the floodplain forest
imagining caribou of old grazing just beyond my sight
I'll squat low to the ground so as not to miss the tiny elf's home
I'll help my children make ornaments of milkweed-bearded Santas
Together we'll play I Spy for black-capped chickadees
and squirrels scurrying back to their store
We'll hush and listen for the beauty within
and beyond our walls
Carols and prayers this advent season
believing the brightest light is yet to come

On a Frigid Spring Walk in February

Two days ago I left the house in only my spring raincoat. Yesterday I walked around the pond in my winter parka and neck warmer pulled up to the tip of my nose.

With the dog in toe, I set out on a frigid spring walk in February. I found myself alternating between striding steadily atop patches of brownish green grass and creeping over sheets of white ice--the kind that melts and then refreezes when it's not quite time for the ultimate BIG thaw. Upon the grass, I wove to avoid dog and goose refuse. These remnants of the previous fall have now been exposed.

I teeter between longing for the pure snow of winter to remain, covering all that we'd rather not see, and reaching for the energy, warmth, and growth that spring brings.

What I most needed

What I most needed was what I least expected

An hour of shoveling in the dulled winter's sunlight

shimmer of snow beads steadily falling in the light

fresh air

deep breaths

busy muscles

clear mind

Just post something already and Snow

I created this blog nearly two months ago after sitting on the idea for some time. However, since creating this "blog of my own," I've been frozen and unable to publish anything. This is partly due to the fact that I'm a slightly sleep deprived mother of two. The other part is due to the fact that I set high, often unrealistic expectations of myself. I think I've been waiting for inspiration to strike, wanting my first entry to say something sensational. But, in spending so much time thinking about what might be the perfect first post, I haven't allowed myself to just write.

Not tonight. Here's to silencing the inner critic and striving to think less so that I might do more.

Snow

Snow in the park, snow in our yard

Snow on our roof, seeping through, spotting our kitchen ceiling

Hand-shoveled mounds of snow lining our driveway

Snow piled along the streets

creating walls like the parting of the red sea

as cars creep, weary of what they can't see beyond the next bank.

Cold days, whipping winds, and brilliant sun.

My thoughts clear as I trudge through this frosty Narnia

peering at sunlight gleaming through barren trees